I’m a superstar masquerading as a nerd, but you knew that, right?

I’m a hypocrite. July 22, 2005

Filed under: Everything — berritt @ 5:41 pm

I am so ashamed. I never thought I would feel like this… we had our ultrasound. Pip was moving around, heart was strong. But they found 2 markers for chromosomal abnormalities. An echogenic focus on the heart and some fluid, or dilation, of the kidneys. The doctor reassured us that with everything else looking perfect, that she *thought* that everything would be just fine. But she aslo said that sometimes there are NO markers and a baby can still be born with a defect so there is no guarantee. She said that an amnio was an option. I always said I would never have an amnio, and declined it right away. I thought that no matter what, this is my baby and I will have it and raise it…. which is true. I will. But last night I broke down. I was having horrible thoughts. This was NOT part of my plan. And last night as I was crying and telling my husband all of the horrible feelings I was having… he just held me and let me cry. When I asked him what we were going to do if something were wrong with the baby…. he said “We’ll feed it, and change it’s diaper, and love it.” Which made me feel even more like a horrible person. This is not how I thought I would react. I put a call into the doctor that discussed our ultrasound results with us and I think I am going to request to go ahead with the amnio. We have another ultrasound scheduled in a month… but even if the markers are gone, I won’t be reassured until I know for sure. If she told me to come in today to have an amnio, I would. I never thought that I would do that. But this is something I think I need to prepare for. I don’t want to keep false hope, and also be a nervous wreck through out the rest of my pregnancy.
I’ll be more that thrilled if we find out nothing is wrong. But if there is… I need to be ready.
Somehow, I feel like something IS wrong. Deep down I think I know.

Pip was kicking away last night, and I wasn’t even excited about it like I was before the ultrasound. I feel sick about this. I do love this baby but I am scared.


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